Go girl...

My friend told me about this new product that has been nicknamed "fatkini".  A plus sized model has designed a bikini for big girls that is flattering & attractive; a nice alternative to the smocks available to most of us.  She actually heard about it because one of the local DJs was making fun of it (he's kind of an asshole), but we both agreed they're kind of cute, if you're comfortable bearing some belly.  So kudos to her for coming up with something that the average American woman can wear & feel sexy wearing - it only comes in sizes 10-24.

 

Moving on...

 

My kiddo's first day of summer camp was yesterday.  I expected to pick him up & hear that he had a super fun day, instead he says he has a headache & asks for medicine.  Poor kid.  He got home & drank a Gatorade but it went down too fast, so it came back up nearly as fast.  I gave him something for his headache & he couldn't even keep it down.  He laid on the couch all evening & finally sipped some broth before bed.  He woke up this morning super early & feeling fine!  He was dressed before I came out of my room, so I'm grateful for that.  I was really worried he was getting sick again.

 

On another note, I've been trying to sort of my school situation.  I've always wanted to be in the medical field, preferably nursing.  But now that I'm nearly finished with the pre-reqs I'm at a crossroad.  I work full time, 50 hours per week, and essentially am a single parent.  I have John & he's done so much for me - he enabled me to get back to school last fall by watching my son on school nights.  We live together, but still, he's my son & therefore my responsibility.  It's huge to me that John does this for me when he doesn't have to.  So now my issue is that the nursing program is full time, once accepted, and typically classes are daytime only.  There is 1 community college that offers night classes but still some of the core classes are daytime.  I've decided to look into a tech school to get an associate's in sonography in hopes they offer nighttime classes that will work with my schedule.  This is appealing, aside from the program cost being astronomical & how much burden I'm placing on John.  He is super supportive & definitely willing to help, but I'm so afraid he'll resent me or something.  School really is a ton easier without kids (or the necessity/responsibility of working full time).  And of course there's the question of whether I should get started or wait until my (hopefully) surgery date so I don't miss classes.  I'd hate to wait then not get approved for surgery but I'm afraid of being overwhelmed with everything all at once.  *sigh*

 

I hope everyone is having a good week.  OMG, I forgot it's 10 things Thursday!

 

1. I am not capable of snapping my fingers.  It's a weird anomaly.  I understand the concept, I just can't make it happen.
2. Today is 80's day at work.  I didn't dress up but people are wearing some interesting outfits for the purpose of a video that was filmed to show at an upcoming awards ceremony.
3. I actually like lima beans.
4. My first car was a '91 Geo Metro.  It was a 3 cyl automatic that only ran on 2 cyl.
5. I have always wanted to sky dive.
6. I had ants in my pants, for real, when I was 4.  I stood in an ant hill in a ditch in front of our house & they all crawled up my legs.  I remember my dad running me into the bathroom & tossing me in the tub to wash them off.
7. I was attacked by dogs when I was a kid but I have no recollection of the event.  I had on a fur coat that my grandma had bought me so they weren't able to break skin. 
8. I owned & wore a fur coat in the AZ summer.  Refer to #7
9. I had a hard time beginning today but now that I started I realize how much I enjoy Thursdays because I get to share randomness with everyone.
10. I really miss cheese.

 

 

Why do short weeks always feel longer than normal weeks?  Maybe it's just me.

 

Yesterday's post was sort of random so I didn't really recap the weekend.  It was so nice to sit in a tube all day & we were absolutely successful on our mission.  We plopped down around 9:00 on Saturday & Sunday mornings & remained there all day.  I was on top of the sunblock & avoided getting burnt.  The trip was really great although it was a bit touch & go Friday night.













Ex. of our usual weekend, this was taken
on another camping trip.

We took the long way out which takes about 2-3 hours because it's a narrow, winding, bumpy dirt road.  So we arrived around 11:00 - 12:00 (at night).  Our group consisted of my Jeep, John's truck, a Dodge Ram 2 WD, and another Jeep (no lift or offroad tires).  It was pretty crowded when we arrived which was kind of surprising since it's relatively secluded.  The terrain changed a lot so the beach area we normally camp on was actually on the other side of the river!  The boys thought it would be a good idea to cross & camp on the sand.  In theory this is a great idea, however I'm somewhat nervous about water since my last Jeep was hydro locked (ie flooded the engine) and this particular spot has nearly swallowed both John's Jeep & a friend's Cherokee as well.  Oh and it has swallowed an ATV, whole, never to be found.  Anyhow, there is a large sandbar where it would be ok to cross but you have to get the vehicle just right.  We decided the smallest Jeep would go first because if he can make it then everyone else can, too.  Wrong.  He made it most of the way then buried his front tires into the sand.  But he didn't just dig in, he continued on thus sinking it down to the frame.  The next 1-2 hours were spent trying to get him out.  I was on edge but it came out finally & luckily no damage.  Needless to say we remained on the rocky main side of the water!

 



Cool cactus on the short way to/from

I really missed being out there, though, and I'm bummed that we won't be able to go as often since John works Saturdays.  We used to go camping about every 2 weeks, roughly. 

 

The trip did get my thinking how different my life will be next summer & on camping trips, too.  Our cooler won't need to be as stocked, that's for sure.  And maybe, just maybe, I'll be wearing a bikini.  It's funny to say that really, I don't think I'd ever be comfortable in a bikini - there's just too much room for error!  There's a lot of hiking out there that I'll enjoy more.  I'm so excited about what's to come.

 

I hope everyone else enjoyed their long weekend! 

Be sure you check out Alli's blog; she's beginning her journey too & having surgery in June.

Serenity

 

My father is a recovering alcoholic.  He drank throughout my childhood & into my teen years.  Needless to say I became very familiar with the AA program & some of their philosophies.  He had a wooden plaque with the Serenity Prayer on it & I spent so much time reviewing it that I memorized it.  It's really very applicable to any situation in life & although I'm not religious it's just a good mantra to live by:

 

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

What's my point?  Last night I was thinking about myself & the way I see me.  I am constantly comparing myself to other women wondering if I'm as big or bigger than they are - I have a terrible perception of myself. 

 

We have a friend who lost a lot of weight over the past year & I'm constantly asking John if I'm heavier than her.  I'm so proud of her progress but I have a hard time believing that she lost it all by not eating sugar or that she's a size 10; I really don't feel that I'm much bigger than her (I'm an 18/20).  I also look at some of my heavier friends & how they also have boobs - I do not.  Gosh this post really isn't making me sound like a nice person...

 

In that I started thinking last night how only some of this is in my control.  It's highly unlikely that I'll lose my weight & suddenly sprout bigger jubblies.  I'm fairly certain there has been 0 documented cases of a 2nd puberty - although pimples seem to hang around for life so why can't my boobs keep growing?  I have to accept that my hips will always be bigger, my thighs will forever be a "problem area", and thanks to PCOS I'll have a mustache & chin whiskers for the rest of my life.  I'll probably always have my mom kangaroo pouch unless I opt for a tummy tuck.  So when I am smaller I just hope that I can accept myself a bit more & compare myself to others just a little less.  I hope I have the courage to accept the things that won't change without divine (or medical) intervention.  I know I already am working on the courage to change the things I can, beginning with my weight.

Fat girl problem #976

The friction of my thighs rubbing together is causing the formation of a hole in my favorite jeans not so far from my lady parts. 

The highlight of my evening last night was discovering that I can still have Oreos on my "no dairy" diet. I'm sorry I know it's wrong but I had to post. I'm still a fat girl & will always be on the inside. It's ok to have just 1... roll. Jk. 

 

Today I'm foggy again.  Let me preface this by stating I am not a pill popper.  I have meds lying around my house that I never used but I keep them around in case I ever need them.  Case & point: my mother gave me her lorazepam a little while back because it makes her too foggy.  I'd mentioned feeling anxious at times & that my doc suggested Ambian & something else - which I never filled.  Anyhoo, for the first time ever last night I decided it was a good time to try them, glutton for punishment I guess.  So I'm laying there at 10 something o'clock thinking "these aren't working, I still wanna run around the blo... zzzzzzz".  Next thing I know it's morning & John's alarm is going off.  Wow.  So clearly that wasn't a good idea with only 7-8 hours of sleep.  Now I"m here sipping a green apple Rockstar & pretending to work.

 

On a side note, one of my leads just called another team member a "pasty faced cheese head" for wearing a Packers jersey, of course I thought he said "tasty faced cheese head" which would also make sense.

 

It's Friday people!  Happy Friday Dance, woo!

 

Have a great weekend everyone.  I'm out until Monday.

 

I leave you with this:

 

Today is International Tiara Day...

International Tiara Day is not what you think. It's a day to "embrace and celebrate" your powers of leadership. You don't need to wear a real tiara, you can always print one out or make a trip to Burger King for a crown.  The Miss American Rose Pageants is the group behind the holiday. Did you know that tiaras have their own carrying cases that look like old-fashioned train cases?

A bit loopy

It's 10 things Thursday! 

1. I had my first solid meal in 2 days last night.  I think I lost 4 lbs.
2. I'm caught in a Percocet haze this morning.  It's a good thing I only have to monitor calls during my work day & not actually speak to clients.
3. I'm super excited to be heading out tomorrow night for a long weekend camping trip full of beer, sun & friends!
4. My boyfriend proved his love for me when he willingly cleaned up after my sick child & myself Monday at 2am.
5. My leader just did the chocolate donut dance for a chocolate donut hole.  At my desk.  It was awesome.
6. I have 7 tattoos & plan on several more.
7. I want to eat everything & nothing at the same time.
8. I've never traveled anywhere that requires a passport, although Italy & Australia are on my list.
9. I used to write poetry & have been published twice.
10. My favorite animals are tigers.  They're majestic, powerful & beautiful.  I'm mesmerized by them.

Totally random, like this:

Have a great day ladies!  Thanks for the comments/replies yesterday.  No worries, TMI does not really exist in my vocabulary so feel free to share all the nitty gritty dirty details.  I asked for it!

Not my idea of a diet...

Ugh, I spoke too soon it seems.  Kody & I have been home sick since yesterday.  I started throwing up Monday night around 11:00 & it didn't stop until 3:00am.  My poor kiddo got sick within hours of me so the both of us were a sight to see.  Thankfully my darling sweetheart John was there to clean up after us both & take care of us.  I really am a lucky girl.

So here I am lounging around with the kiddo, watching Madagascar 3, and feeling like I've been hit by a truck!  In the midst of tossing my cookies I couldn't help but think what would this be like if my band was in place?  I literally emptied my entire body.  If food is tight going down what's it like coming back up?  This is probably a little much for some, if so I apologize, but I want the nitty gritty dirty details.  For some reason when I get sick I empty out completely, I'm not sure if it has to do with the fact that I no longer have a gall bladder or what, but I can't just stop when the food it out of my belly.  Then I feel like I've been hit by a truck for several days as a result of the constant heaving.  Oh joy!

Tonight my niece is graduating from preschool but I don't think we'll go, I don't want to get anyone else sick.  I'm sad because they're moving to CO in a few weeks so my time with them is dwindling.  My sister & I have never been super close, until the past year or so.  This is really sad since my John gets along with her hubby Jon (yeah that's not confusing) and the two of us have been getting along, too.  At least CO isn't too far away, but it still sucks.  So we're going to get pictures done for the kiddos since it's been a few years.  Then they're off to CO June 16th.  Sadface.

I can't wait for the long weekend ahead.  It'll be nice to get out into the sunshine & just relax!

Comfort Food

I left work early today with horrible cramps; I'm really thinking I have endometriosis but after talking to my doctor I'm not sure it's worth the surgery to check it out considering the treatment options which consist of burning the tissue, hormone therapies, or just pain meds.  So I crashed for several hours today after taking a Percocet.  I'm sure my leader wasn't too happy but I just couldn't concentrate.  

Anyway, the only thing I want when I'm sick is food - unless it's a stomach bug.  I stopped at Arby's on my way home & threw my non-dairy diet out the window.  Surprisingly I didn't get sick but of course afterward I feel like a greasy fat mess.  This is just one of the many habits I need to break.  There are many things that offer me comfort, I just need to turn to those instead.  

I'm sitting here reviewing my patient list of goals which includes changing my meds over to liquid, powder or chewable form.  Have any of you done this with birth control?  Is this even an option?  I know I can take the Flinstones chewable vitamins which my son will love.  And has anyone ever done a sleep study for apnea?  My surgeon thinks I may have it & marked sleep testing as one of my goals.

I called to talk to my dad today & tell him about my lap band.  He was surprised that I'm heavy enough; I had to explain that I carry my weight inside - visceral fat - and I weigh more than it looks like.  Anyway he seems supportive & offered to come out if I need help after the surgery.  Although he did make a comment like "stop eating".  He of all people should understand that it's not that simple being that he's been overweight most of his life, too.  Do I eat healthy?  Not really.  Is the reason I'm fat mostly my fault, yes.  But there are other factors at hand: genes, emotions, convenience, etc.  The band is a tool to help me conquer/overcome these factors, or better manage them.  I think people get the impression that it's going to be butterflies & rainbows.  I'll lose the weight & it'll be so easy.  Not the case.  I know this, but frankly I don't know if I want to have to explain it to people, which makes me think I'll be selective about those I tell.  I don't really care what people think, I just don't like feeling like I need to explain anything to anyone.  I guess I have some time to figure it out.

Toes in the water...

Good morning lovelies!  I hope everyone had a nice weekend.  Mine was pretty laid back; Saturday my sweetie stayed home sick with a stomach bug, but I still made it out with my BFF to get our toes done.  We had lunch & then I spent an absurdly large amount of money at Costco.  But I did pick up some things for dinners in an attempt to cook more at home.  Last night I made a roast with potatoes,  brussel sprouts, & corn on the cob.  I'm trying to work more veggies into my life.  I've never been a fan of brussel sprouts but they were pretty tasty. 

 

Yesterday was a lazy day; we watched movies, napped & did a little laundry.  This weekend we're off to camp for the long weekend & I can't wait!  I'll be sitting in a tube on the river with a cold one!

 

I was thinking yesterday about my next nutrition appointment.  Only 2 weeks away then I've got 4 more to go!  Waiting is so hard, I wish there was some way to get this going faster.  Gotta love insurance companies & red tape.  *sigh*

Rant & Randomness

The school called yesterday to tell me my son was in the principal's office, again.  My darling son is impulsive & has always struggled with keeping his hands to himself.  He is not a bully, don't get me wrong.  In fact I've had staff tell me he's usually reacting to something another kid did first.  He's a boy, I know he makes dumb choices & starts it too - I am not that naive.

I have yet to find a suitable punishment that makes any sort of difference to him.  My kid can entertain himself with a pebble, seriously (hello, ADHD).  He's on open enrollment to go to the school which means he can be kicked out if he continues causing issues.  This freaks me out because I love his school.  It's a great location & I feel good about him attending.  Our home school is quite different - it caters to the Spanish speaking community & was just not a good fit for him.  So he's grounded, again, and will have to miss our Memorial Day camping trip to the river - that is if his dad can take him that weekend. 

On the flip side, sometimes I feel like schools are WAY to sensitive these days which I know is partly due to parents being overprotective & uber sue happy.  Let's face it, most kids are raised to be pansies nowadays because they're coddled.  Remember playing tag?  I do.  I also remember chasing a friend around the playground & pinching each other's shoulder.  No one cried, no one told.  And if we DID get in trouble we had to sit on the wall at recess, nbd.  But now it's referrals & principal's office.  Sometimes boys will be boys, that's all.  And frankly, I was picked on for being fat.  My mom never called the school to tell on the kid or make the school handle it.  No, she helped me figure out ways to cope & good come backs to shout back at the a-holes.  Kids are mean.  Kids are a-holes.  Grow a pair, seriously.  When my kid is picked on I tell him it's probably because he picked on someone else, agree that it sucks, then tell him to get back up again & brush it off.  There will always be bullies, there will always be a-holes but I won't always be around to solve his problems so he has to learn to deal.

End of rant.

Onto randomness.... I bought a new pair of Chucks 
And the flat bread honey mustard sandwich from Wendy's is tasty! 

Oops sorry for the food porn.

I'm really looking forward to meeting some of the AZ ladies.  It will be nice to have a group of locals going through the same thing, steps ahead of me, to talk about the joys of being fat, skinny, and in between.

Maybe I jumped the gun & started my blog a bit early but I was excited to get this down on paper, er internet, rather.  I won't be posting a lot about exercising or diet since my goal is to get approved for the surgery & I'm just barely over the magic number.  This must sound terrible.  Insurance companies are so backwards.  So right now I'm working on the items my surgeon laid out: eating 4 meals per day, taking a multi vitamin, etc.  And I'm trying to educate myself through the journeys of others so I can prepare myself as much as possible for what lies ahead.  I was laying in bed last night talking with my boyfriend, John, and he is telling me how beautiful I am & how he's happy that I'm doing something for myself, my health.  Then we talked about the different fruit/protein shakes we can make.  I am so lucky to have his support.  The next 5 months can't go by fast enough!

It's my first time...

Ok I don't know the rules of engagement but I'm going with it... today is ten things Thursday!

1. It's getting easier every day to avoid dairy and I'm feeling much better than before.
2. My eyes are my best & favorite feature.
3. I'm wearing a skirt today (which is a rarity) because it's more comfy than jeans.
4. I refuse to buy a size larger than 18 (refer to #3).
5. I am one of the least bubbly people you will ever meet... and probably one of the most sarcastic.  No really, I'm not bubbly though.
6. My favorite color is purple followed by green in close 2nd.
7. My favorite food is buffalo wings or buffalo chicken anything.  I craved it when I was pregnant & it's still a favorite.
8. That whoosh whoosh sound the wind makes blowing through 1 cracked car window drives me insane.  I have to open another window to make it stop.
9. I find it difficult to remain patient with stupid people... er, ignorant rather.  I'm ok if you're dumb but still make an attempt to learn/understand.
10. I work for the coolest company with an awesome culture and I love it, minus the stupid people (refer to item #9).
11. I have to add an extra: I'm so thrilled with my followers!  Thank for the feedback you gave regarding the band v sleeve.  I'm definitely leaning towards band, I'd miss 80% of my stomach.  I still miss my gall bladder...

I leave you with this:

Today is National Sea Monkey Day...
National Sea Monkey Day celebrates an amazing pet that comes alive when placed in water. Celebrate this day by spending some time with your Sea Monkeys. Watch them swim and play. Give them an extra treat. If you do not have sea monkeys, today is the day to go out and buy a kit.

 

Would you do it again?

Yes I'm blogging twice in a day - I think I'm breaking code...

Ok so I've been reading blogs like crazy lately and am going through my new followers' blogs so I can read everyone's story.  On that note forgive me if you've mentioned this before but if you could go back would you still choose lapband?

I've been interested in this for a long time - I remember an old co-worker getting bypass in 2007 or 2008 and being envious. It just never worked out before due to insurance or my own insecurities. I tried to tell myself the band was the lazy way out & that I could do it the "natural way".  Mind you, I have never been opposed to diet pills or fad diets so idk how my logic made sense but I went with it.

Anyway, earlier this year when I started this process, because I'm finally ready.  I texted my friend who had his lapband in Singapore about 3 years ago.  I asked if he was happy & if he'd do it again.  He told me he'd probably opt for the gastric sleeve.  I had no idea what that was at the time.  He then went on to tell me he's had no trouble with the band to make him feel this way but if I remember right it boiled down to "less maintenance".  I started researching the sleeve. I like it for the fact that there's no port, fills, or band slippage.  However, it scares me that I'm actually removing part of my stomach.  It's irreversible with higher risk rates.  And potentially my stomach can swell out again which is also irreversible (right?)

My surgeon says he'll do either procedure but he prefers the band due to lower risk & the fact that I can always move up but I can't go back.  Of course I still lean toward the band, especially since there are no long term statistics on the sleeve (at least in the US), but part of me still wants to explore the sleeve.

Ohmagawd!

It's official, I have followerS!  Welcome everyone!  I started this as on online journal, mostly for me to create some accountability.  I figured it would be cool if it interested anyone or maybe even helps someone in the future.  But now that people are actually reading, well I'm just giddy!

You few are my inspiration, truly.  I've read your blogs & that is what made me want to start mine.  Not only that, it makes this journey that much more important & exciting to me because I can share it with others who are actually going through it & can relate.

So, thanks everyone!  Keep your hands & feet inside the vehicle.  Enjoy the ride.

Tempting fate? More like tickling her feet...

So yesterday my friend & I had sushi for lunch at this great little place in N. Scottsdale - we go there about every 2 weeks.  Anyhoo, I broke down & opted for my favorite roll: Philly, which of course has cream cheese in it.  Apparently I can tolerate that little bit & it was heaven!  I hope I will be able to eat rice after I'm banded because I'd really miss our bi-weekly sushi trips.  Dot = 1, dairy = 0

I keep thinking about how my life is going to change in the next 6 months, year, and beyond.  Based on my blog readings from the lovely (mostly) ladies out there I feel like I have a good head start with the things I may come across.  So, even things as simply as my beloved sushi - going from 2 rolls to probably 1-2 pieces.  Insane.

I have started a list in my mind of things I want to get before my surgery: a food scale, the Ninja system for smoothies, etc.  I definitely need to find a decent soy protein (isolate, thanks Jenn for clarifying that!).

So that's it for now I guess.  I'm off to our annual company wide meeting.  I work for an awesome company & every month the big wigs broadcast a live meeting from our headquarters in Detroit.  It's not a typical meeting, more like The Late Show, and it even features guests & live music.

Oh, at some point I will get my weight ticker posted.  For some reason I keep getting an error saying the link is invalid... idk.

Weight today:  248

Randomness: joggers & bra straps

Maybe when I'm thin I'll be able to find a bra that fits me both sitting & standing; seriously why do my straps fall so much no matter how much I adjust them?!

How do people jog in this heat? It's 100° outside! Does not compute... Seriously animals sit in the shade when it's hot yet humans, the superior race btw, RUN in it.

That is all.

They DO exist! (readers, that is)

Wahoo!  My first follower, thanks Jenn! 

The waiting game is tough.  I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas to arrive!  I know it will fly by & in hindsight I'm sure I'll recall that it felt like a blink, but for today it's an eternity away.  Now that school is out for the semester I have more time to obsess think about the surgery, the possibilities, my plan for success.  I feel like I am consumed by this - reading every interesting blog to see how others' journeys are faring, sad to see that some stopped posting & wondering how they're doing today.  I'm sure my friends & family will be sick of the topic soon.  As for me, I'm on a mission.

Anyhoo, so to add another item to my "feeling 82" list: I pee like 3x a night.  WTH?  This is recently & I'm hoping it's just the end of a recent UTI.  I'm not sure what that's about but it can stop.  Now.  I LOVE my sleep & hate waking up when it's not time or I'm not ready (mornings are usually a challenge).

This dairy free thing sucks in some ways, not so bad in others.  It can be difficult when eating out since nearly everything has dairy.  So grilled chicken it is!  Surprisingly some things don't taste any different without cheese (ie sandwiches).  I guess it's really just added calories in most cases.  My BFF is researching vegan recipes as we speak - that is essentially the only way to avoid dairy, it seems.

My sweet boy knocks on my door this morning & asks me to come to the living room to "show you something".  He proceeds to pull out 3 pudding cups from his backpack, one smashed & explain that he'd brought us each a pudding from school but one exploded inside his bag.  He's the sweetest!  Apparently my dog jumped on his bag & crushed one of the pudding cups.  So we had a minor disaster this morning - luckily he has an extra backpack.  These kinds of gestures on his part melt my heart!

It's funny, after I post daily I can think of a million things to add to my next post but when I actually go to type it I can't remember what I wanted to add!  Guess that means it's time to sign off for now.

Have a great day!

Cheesy, without the cheese

I hope all of my non-existent readers had a good mother's day yesterday. :)  I spent mine at the lake with my sweetheart, my son, and good friends.  It was a good day. 

So far so good on the no-dairy front.  I miss the idea of cheese more than the food itself, I think.  It's hardly noticeable on sandwiches.  I mean, obviously nachos are no longer an option.  Or pizza.  I've heard of veggie cheese, maybe I'll give that a try, but it seems hardly worth it.  And it looks like I'll need to find a lactose free protein, that should be interesting.

Anyhoo, over the weekend I started thinking about some things I look forward to, NSV I have in mind.  These are just a few, I know there will be many more to come.

• a defined jawline/neck
• real actual arm pits, mine are more convex right now
• thighs that don't touch (I'm hoping this is realistic since I carry a lot in my thighs)
• jeans that fit comfortably - I refuse to go to a larger size so I'm squeezing into my 18's
• hiking with my sweetheart & kiddo and actually being able to breathe!

I'm really excited about the possibilities the band will bring.  I know I have a long road ahead of me.  These next few months will likely drag, I just hope this will work out for me & the wait will be worth it.  My sweetheart is super supportive & also excited for me.  We want to get a Bowflex to weight train together - he's not overweight but wants to shape up & lose a few if possible.  He said me this weekend that if what my surgeon says is true (that his goal for me is 100 lbs down in a year) he will be able to carry me through the door on our wedding day.  :)  He also is realistic & told me that if this doesn't work out there are other ways to lose weight & he'll support me in whatever I choose.  I'm so lucky!

Cheesy girl moment, done.

Pie & ice cream

Had lunch today with my sis, her hubby, my niece, and mom. I'd already told my sis about my interest in the band & about my surgery in November (fingers crossed) but I wasn't sure about my mom. She has always been supportive about my losing weight & even suggested weight loss studies when she hears about them but for some reason I was still a bit nervous about telling her my plan for the band. I went for it today & she was completely on board with me & even mentioned that she'd wondered if I ever considered it before. I'm so lucky to have the support of my family!

On another note, it is very hard to grocery shop when I can't eat lactose because everything has milk in it! I had to read every label of every item I picked up. I know this is good habit to follow anyway but I guess I never knew how many things have milk!

PS everyone shared pecan pie & vanilla ice cream with lunch. Sad face. 

29, going on 82

After my post yesterday I found myself already contemplating what I would talk about next.  This blogging thing may or may not become an addiction outlet for me.

First let's talk Metamucil.  Yep, that orange flavored powder stuff in a can that you see with all of the other fiber supplements you associate with Gramps.  Let me go back a ways...

I have digestive issues & have been dealing with them for about 4-5 years now.  Meaning, there better be a bathroom nearby when I finish my meal.  I had my gall bladder out in 2010 for some major stones.  While that is usually a culprit, it did not help my issue any.  It didn't seem to matter what I ate, whether a greasy burger or a sandwich from Subway.  I also have been dealing with some pelvic pain for the past year so I went to see my GYN about that.  Last year I had my Mirena removed after it became embedded in my c-section scar tissue.  We thought that was the cause of my pain, but it never really went away.  So my GYN told me to see a gastroenterologist after I admitted my other issues with digestion, noting that I should see someone "before my bowels fall out".  Huh?!  That can happen?  Apparently, they could be related, one causing the other.  Anyhoo, so on Tuesday, along with my lap band consult I saw Dr. Wells.  He instructed me to cut out anything with milk for 2 weeks (NO!!!!!) and take Metamucil to see if it helps.  Oh, and he also gave me instructions to bring in a stool sample (you want me to what???).  Yes, super fun.  I'm thinking poo into the bucket & brink it back, right?  Nope, it's much more involved than that but probably TMI.  Let's just say it involves a catch bin, several small containers, rubber gloves, and a small wooden stick.

I am thrilled to say that so far the Metamucil & no milk has been helping (so I have yet to concern myself with the stool sample), but I do miss my cheese.  And why is it when you're trying to avoid something it is always around?  Thursday night I went to happy hour with some girls from work & the topic of conversation for the first was 20 min, no joke.  The girls next to me ordered 2 cheesy items: nachos (only the best nachos I've ever had) and the other had beer cheese for the pretzels we shared.  Areyoufreakingkiddingme?!  But, I do feel better and if this is the culprit I get to avoid a dreaded colonoscopy.  Has anyone ever really paid attention to how far that scope goes in?  Whoa...

BTW, Metamucil and Simply Orange are actually not bad.

Onwards...

My next little tidbit is regarding my EKG that was done at my consult.  It turns out I have a teeny tiny heart defect known as a bundle branch.  The doc simplified this for me saying basically the right side of my heart is a little bigger than my left because it has to work harder to pump blood.  NBD really he says and it just means my chances of needing a pacemaker at 85-90 are greater.  It appears I may also have sleep apnea which contributed to this defect.  So, more than ever I need this change in my life.  I do not want to live/die like my Grandma.  She was diagnosed in her early 30's with diabetes which contributed to congestive heart failure.  She was on oxygen & miserable for the last 10 years of her life.  I am scared to death that is my fate & this EKG has hit me like a brick wall.  Shit just got serious.  I have to do something now while I'm young enough to make a difference.

the beginning of the end

i'm at the beginning of my journey. 

for as long as i can remember i've been a fat girl.  i have a picture of myself around 3-4 yrs old and this is the only photo i have of myself as a "normal size".  to top that off i was short until high school so i was lucky to earn nicknames like "roly poly" and "the egg".  kids are assholes.  i'm the youngest of 3, yet the only fat kid in the family.  mom & dad were/are fat too.  diabetes runs in the family as well as heart failure.  lucky me! good genes (insert sarcasm here).  as i get older i get more & more fearful of being sick & not being here as long as possible for my son.  he's 9 & hands down the coolest kid... ever!

i had my first consult in january with a local lapband specialist.  well, so i thought.  my appointment was preceded by the front office contacting my insurance company for coverage information.  once they confirmed my coverage my appointment was set.  i spent my first 30 min filling out paperwork (bleh) & watching a video compilation of successful patients oozing over how easy, quick, and affordable this process was for them.  wow!  ok so this will be easy, right?  wrong.  my next half of the appointment was with a "patient advocate" who also was a bander (idk if this nickname exists, but it does now).  she answered all of my questions then ended with telling me i'm not heavy enough so either i can see my pcp doc about possibly having the required "co-morbidities" as specified by my insurance, or i could gain 15 lbs (hint, hint) but she didn't recommend that... unless i wanted to go that route.  i left.  heartbroken.  defeated.

a few hours later i had an epiphany: what if i was wrong about my height?  that means my bmi is surely higher & maybe i could be a candidate after all.  i called them back & was referred to my "advocate".  voicemail.  damn.  weeks went by & no reply.  that was it, i'd have to struggle & go at it the old fashioned way.  but then i kept gaining & soon that 15 lbs was just 2.  wth?  so i called again, surely i could gain 2 lbs (i know, this sounds terrible) but i really want this.  voicemail, again.  damn.  again, no reply.  big surprise.  but this time i decided to reach out to another center, surely they can't be as bad as this.

fast forward to this past tuesday.  i set an appointment for 8:30am.  upon my arrival i had to fill out paperwork, nothing major but, bleh.  short wait time then, get this, nurse becky greets me & takes me back where she weighs me, measures my blood pressure & temp.  whoa, this is different.  we then go back to an office where she sits with me & reviews my history, every detail of the paperwork & information i provided.  next i see kristy (ma - med. asst.) who takes me into an exam room where... dun dun dun... she draws blood, runs an EKG, does a breath test.  wth.  this is friggin' awesome!  so wait, does this mean i'm getting banded?  we go back to the office where i meet with my surgeon.  i said it: my surgeon. 

this is happening. 

what's next?  6 months of nutrition appointments, an ultrasound of my liver, a scope to see my upper digestive tract & ensure i'm a good candidate.  the doc goes over my history with me, again, in detail.  this is weird, i've never spent this long with any doctor in my life.  ever.  we talked for 45 min before i saw nurse becky again to schedule my scope & ultrasound as well as my second of 6 nutrition appointments. 

this. is. happening.  (if my insurance approves it... fingers crossed)

so, since tuesday i've spent countless hours reading blogs of others who have been banded & i'm totally inspired by their success (and struggles) throughout the process.  in reading i decided to start my own.  i can see how it adds a level of accountability & support to help me through this transition.

i will beat this.  and the lapband will be the best tool to help me.