My father is a recovering alcoholic. He drank throughout my childhood & into my teen years. Needless to say I became very familiar with the AA program & some of their philosophies. He had a wooden plaque with the Serenity Prayer on it & I spent so much time reviewing it that I memorized it. It's really very applicable to any situation in life & although I'm not religious it's just a good mantra to live by:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
What's my point? Last night I was thinking about myself & the way I see me. I am constantly comparing myself to other women wondering if I'm as big or bigger than they are - I have a terrible perception of myself.
We have a friend who lost a lot of weight over the past year & I'm constantly asking John if I'm heavier than her. I'm so proud of her progress but I have a hard time believing that she lost it all by not eating sugar or that she's a size 10; I really don't feel that I'm much bigger than her (I'm an 18/20). I also look at some of my heavier friends & how they also have boobs - I do not. Gosh this post really isn't making me sound like a nice person...
In that I started thinking last night how only some of this is in my control. It's highly unlikely that I'll lose my weight & suddenly sprout bigger jubblies. I'm fairly certain there has been 0 documented cases of a 2nd puberty - although pimples seem to hang around for life so why can't my boobs keep growing? I have to accept that my hips will always be bigger, my thighs will forever be a "problem area", and thanks to PCOS I'll have a mustache & chin whiskers for the rest of my life. I'll probably always have my mom kangaroo pouch unless I opt for a tummy tuck. So when I am smaller I just hope that I can accept myself a bit more & compare myself to others just a little less. I hope I have the courage to accept the things that won't change without divine (or medical) intervention. I know I already am working on the courage to change the things I can, beginning with my weight.
I have to remind myself that I am shooting for a healthier, fitter version of ME, not to look like someone else.
ReplyDeleteI worried about the same thing...you sound normal to me. I find, now that I'm thinner, I compare myself a lot less (hear me, I didn't say never!) and I am much happier about how I stack up when I do. Do I see flaws and problem areas and have more weight to lose, yes. But I am not obsessed with these thoughts anymore. Healthier is where its at!
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your thought process almost completely. I hate PCOS for my chin whiskers and have always wondered how it is that my tummy got so round and large and yet my boobs are still the B cup that they were when I was a size 12. We just have to become healthy and love us for ourselves!
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